I have to admit…I’m feeling a little hurt this morning.
That’s hard for me to write as there is a part of me that doesn’t like to express when I’m in pain. You see…here’s my current truth…when I started this blogging thing and expressing my ideas, I had an expectation that some of my friends would get more out of it and validate me.
This goes back to my last blog about expectations and when I have unmet expectations it almost always sends me spiraling into resentment.
One of my mentors, John McMullin, teaches me that I have to learn how to re-parent myself, by validating and inspiring myself from within. To me, this means that looking for external validation is not what I should be seeking in this moment. Cool (and crap)! That means that I already have the insight, compassion, love, and validation within me to help me through this hurtful moment. Maybe what I need in this moment is absolutely no external validation so that I can learn that necessary skill of re-parenting myself. I like that.
Then I ask myself, “What is really going on here? Why am I feeling anger and what is this resentment really about?” I have been doing this long enough to know that the story I’m telling myself is a deflection from the underlying deeper story. Brene’ Brown is one of my favorite authors and teachers and her stuff on vulnerability has helped me to learn to uncover my true stories when I feel like this.
So I look for my truth and here it is…my truth in this moment is that writing is very personal for me…it places me in a vulnerable spot and that I have a fear of criticism and especially rejection. I struggle tapping into my creative self and not being externally validated, which I believe happens to a lot of us (again, Brene’ Brown teaches about creativity wounds).
I look for validation as I’m out here floating in the water looking for a beacon that will tell me that I’m navigating correctly; I get a weak beacon but the signal is too weak to give me complete comfort. A part of me feels very alone and another part of me knows I just need to keep going in the direction of the weak signal.
Turning around to what is familiar would be easy, yet would take me back to the place I’ve been living for far too long. I get to parent myself and tell myself that everything that I am feeling in this moment is valid and that I am proud of walking through this scary venture.
Thank God I can feel my feelings today so that I can look deeper and find my truth. That’s what I would hope for anyone reading this blog. Ask yourself what the real story is underneath the one that you’re telling yourself. Look deeper. It’s in there and is waiting for you to find it.
It might appear that getting external validation is the right way but finding your own beacon is so much more important. I hope to remain on course with my weak beacon as I know it’s guiding me where I’m meant to go. And I hope all of you are finding the beacon that is out there calling you to your next venture. It’s absolutely scary as hell and it’s absolutely necessary.
Until next time friends…many blessings.